Week 23 has not been kind to me, alas. Not from a baby perspective – she’s discovered the upper reaches of her little world and is tickling me in my ribs, which is really cute – but emotionally speaking. I never know if I should write about this stuff. It always seems really self-indulgent to me, as though I’m looking for sympathy, plus there’s the added bonus that complaining rarely solves anything. Oh well, screw it. What’s the point in a blog about pregnancy if you don’t include some of the bad stuff too?
I’ve just been in a weird funk of sorts, for no apparent reason. It’s probably one of the many preg-side effects, going up and down, but it’s not fun. I notice my worst characteristics come out, like being extra emotional, or worried about nothing, or freaking out about everything. I start to feel like an invisible walking incubator, just biding my time until I become a mother and thus have some actual use in the world. Especially when I’m around people who can only ask me “When are you due?” or “Do you know what you’re having?” (September. And yes.) And the worst part is that I just have to sit there and ride out whatever bizarre mood I’m in until it goes away and I feel more normal again.
It’s a weird way to feel, and very isolating. I feel like I’m stuck between two forms, mid-metamorphosis, half-carefree woman and half-mum. Hyper aware that I only have 4 months or so until everything changes forever. Trying to prepare, and also enjoy my life as it is now. Feeling stupid for my worries and fears. Finding it impossible to talk about any of this without feeling guilty for monopolising a conversation, or overreacting, or being seen as one of those women who only talks about being pregnant (even though I rarely talk about it to anyone beside my husband) – and then feeling stupid again for bottling it all up and not lessening my emotional burden by sharing it.
And then the tide turns, and I smile, and hold my belly as Squish kicks away, and wonder what on earth I was so stressed out about.
Then I attempt to do something to make myself feel better, like watching a good movie, or eating a stack of biscuits, or painting. Specifically, painting the spare room a nice bright shade of yellow! It looks SO good!
(Yes, I wanted to change the subject to something happier.)
We picked up a super cheap changing table/chest of drawers from eBay as well – I would highly recommend getting at least some of your baby furniture second hand. The piece we got is really good quality and barely used, which makes sense considering that babies outgrow everything so quickly. I reckon it makes doing your shopping extra satisfying when you grab a proper bargain as well. I’ve also taken the plunge and bought a bundle of second hand, barely used baby clothes, which should arrive in a few days. I’ll post an update on how that goes soon!
Sending you all love and hugs.